Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Blame and Shame of a Name

Who am I
If i don't know who does
I hear often that
if I allowed myself to believe ~ to let go of my fears
That God knows who I am
I Say God knows
I say it often ~ because I truly don't know

and Truth is
If God did once know
I think he lost track with me long long ago
cause I have been so many many names
and with those names comes
a person
As I grew up so did the many names
and as quick as they were born they died
I had burials for them all
Bonnie Billy Jean and May Rae for awhile
Star Bright Star Crash and then Fall

When I was small my first name given was Little Bitch
as I grew older It became just Bitch then Bloody Bitch
Then Slut Crazy Dumb Stupid Bitch
Until one day the names just all blurred into one
and I started making up my own names for me
The names you see above, Names of stars
Names Id heard from movies and such Names of persons I'd tried to be
Hoping that if I took a little from all of these stars
some of their shine would perhaps rub of on me
and maybe maybe for awhile I could be Star or Bonnie Billy Jean
and for a while not be blamed not be shamed

Now in between my names and their names a lot of time has past
and much and many and most things happened to me ~ all of me ~ included each and every  name
and much and many and most things I don't remember and much and many and most things
I can remember
and then things just became a blur
I would often find myself '
just staring into the night sky
wishing praying asking begging who am I
and thinking If I had a name My own very own name
one that didn't cause any blame any shame
I might be able to be free
find me ~ find who I am
and just be
Now the only stars I allow myself to name
are those I can truly see

I had read somewhere that we were created from stars
and knew that I was born
under star sign of cancer

One winter night as I stared up to the skies
I asked God I asked the Universe ~ Who am I
I looked to the stars in the heavens that night
And saw for myself the most wonderous sight
between Gemini and Leo
Is the mid winter constellation Cancer
and amongst all the stars in the deep of the dark
I was staring at the Beehive Cluster
Praesepe I whispered The Manger The Crib

A tear I have held for years inside the rubble of me
fell, broke inside ~ and a explosion of emotions
I finally expressed came out like the scream of hell
and with it a flood of tears that overwhelmed
I had always wondered about my very last name
Beez Why I had even thought such a name could be me
as I had wondered back long ago
why the people who parented me
wanted to be my parents ~ when finding a suitable name for me
came only with blame and shame
I don't know now what brought me to this name
all I know is since I have been beez
I have not been blamed and shamed
and I am happy
just to be


  1. I understand this completely, and am happy to read your words. Look forward to more.

  2. I remember reading in Joseph Campbell's _The Masks of God_, the first volume, that there were certain tribes in the Americas that would send a child out into the forest alone, where they would have to remain until they discovered their guardian spirit. That idea left a lasting impression on me.

    Your story here is very remarkable. :)

  3. What's in a name. Nothing and everything.